NotPorn

Sex scenes. They’re why we’re here really. Oh sure, we like discussing sexiness and sexy traits and the chemistry of two characters and their sexual tension… we like all the little bells and whistles of the natural ephemera surrounding sex in film… but at the heart of it all? Sex scenes.

At best, they provide us with an idealized fantasy… a place where the passion and chemistry of the moment is truly able to whip two (or more) people into a frenzy of desire and perfectly shaped parts, free of the sometimes awkwardly hilarious moments that real life graces us with, like when your partner unknowingly thrusts you into a face-wedge between the couch cushions. The best in sex scenes are not the most common, however, as much as you might assume otherwise. It would seem like the ability to plan and script such a moment would allow for the best possible outcome most of the time, but most of them fall squarely into maybe-better-than-your-average-reality, but not sensational. Or at least, that’s how Laura and I see it. Being that sex, like many things, is a very subjective matter, you may find yourself liking more or less of what cinema has to offer. Personally, we’re still on the hunt for our Great-White-Whale of all sex scenes.

Now, sex scenes at their worst… that’s a whole different mountain to scale. And the reaction you have to a bad sex scene can be a much more varied experience. They can range from hilariously ridiculous to stomach-churningly repulsive. They can make you giggle, roll your eyes, or end up putting your mood on the shelf for weeks.

This time around we’re treating you to a little smorgasbord of sex scenes. We’ve got examples of the really good ones, the just plain bad ones and those of the eye-wateringly queasy variety. Below you’ll find the breakdown of who chose which movie:

 

The Good:

 

Laura – The stairwell scene from Unfaithful (2002)

Lyra – The head-girl-loses-her-virginity-on-the-couch scene from Tormented (2009)

(honorable mention to the screwing-in-the-backseat scene in Tormented as well)

 

The Bad:

 

Laura – The fingerbang-on-the-rollercoaster scene from Fear (1996)

(Ok, yes, that one is not a full-blown sex scene. Untwist your panties.)

Lyra – The orgasm-over-a-cliff sex scene from Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009)

 

The Ugly:

 

Laura – The Butter Scene from Last Tango in Paris (1972)

Lyra – The two rough-sex-while-under-the-influence-of-a-demonic-walking-stick scenes from

The Covenant: Brotherhood of Evil (aka Canes – 2006)

 

I have one last little piece of insight into this episode to share before we get down to business. As I have mentioned before, we are incredibly inexperienced in the realm of recording audio. I think anyone with a halfway decent ear for such things will notice an embarrassing level of audio amateurishness in our first episodes, something we hope to improve upon as we learn more about the process. But we were anxious to get the show on the road, and jumped in par-baked. This led to a variety of problems, only some of which actually show in the final product. The behind-the-scenes difficulties were much more hilariously frustrating.

For one, the first three recordings we made were thoroughly fucked due to some driver issues. The Introduction track was still understandable (and I may someday include a bonus post that transcribes the best parts of that one that didn’t make it into the re-record.) The other two were so consumed by sound issues that it’s hard to make out the words! The second try, on a different computer with a different software set up, did much better, but for some still undecipherable reason, episode one degraded into static after the one-hour mark. We got it all done in the end, obviously, but what we really want you to take away from this over-share is this: We had to talk about the massive piece of crap that is The Covenant: Brotherhood of Evil, THREE GODDAMN TIMES!!! You have no idea how fatiguing it is to discuss a movie you hated (and had already gone to a ridiculous amount of effort to watch… and re-watch) until you have to drag yourself through doing it, in triplicate. It’s like one of those horror movies where you end up cursed if you watch it… only instead of dying, you’re doomed to have the whole experience repeat on you like cinematic acid reflux.

You can also find the Pinterest album for this episode here. Trailers, stills and poster images… good stuff!

Now, go forth and enjoy our pain!