Masturbation. It’s pretty familiar to most of us. If not, well, you may have some internal obstacles that could probably take a little investigation. Unfortunately, it appears that movie makers may have some of those same internal obstacles that could probably also use a little exploring.

How did men end up with the crap end of the stick on this?! They’d be well-polished professionals in this category and yet they seem to have been handed a paltry array of variations on the matter. When we so often look to film to express the many nuanced facets of being human, being left with such an unbalanced depiction of male masturbation…. well, it’s just so disheartening!

But not nearly as disheartening as the Swiss cheese Laura and I have apparently modeled our memory banks on.

For the record, that Hammer movie I had so much trouble with IS called The Resident (2011) and it stars Hilary Swank, Lee Pace and Jeffrey Dean Morgan. (My deepest apologies to Mr. Morgan for being a total twit about his name.) And yes, she does masturbate… in the goddamn bath, no less! Ridiculous. But also, it’s super wimpy. Also, he masturbates as well, when he’s alone in the bathroom… in the empty bathtub! But they cut away before it gets good. Way to wuss out, Hammer.

And the Colin Hanks movie I could-not-for-the-life-of-me remember the name of is Alone With Her (2007).

But if you were hoping Laura and I had figured out the other one… nope. No idea. So, have fun with that.

Want to enjoy the Pinterest album for this episode? You’ll find it here.